


Bleeding is for the Weak

by Moriartsey (arainbowpenguin)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Highschool AU, Hurt/Comfort, It's kinda worth reading until then, M/M, Pale Romance, Red Romance, Suicide, Triggers, Xeno, everybodylives AU, idk alien porn is hard, like seriously read the warnings, selfharm, sorry I was venting and it came out well, suicidal ideations, those are the best AUs, yes please be careful, yes they get a little kinky in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 10:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arainbowpenguin/pseuds/Moriartsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas loved Dave Strider more than he loved anyone else in the world. People had, and probably always would, tell them that their relationship was unstable and dangerous, that two depressed kids couldn't possibly have a functional partnership, but Karkat still loved Dave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bleeding is for the Weak

**Author's Note:**

> So I was venting and decided to beat the shit out of some beatable characters. You know, normal stuff.  
> BUT PLEASE. For the love of god. Read the warnings. And if you didn't get them I'll write them again here.  
> THIS IS TRIGGERING. Pretty seriously. Lots of selfharm and suicide. I want you all to stay safe, so please, if you're easily triggered, back out now. I love you.  
> Now, if you're not easily triggered and like stories where Dave and Karkat are stupidly messed up, then by all means read ahead. I love you too. Thanks for reading.  
> (I wrote most of this after 2 AM on an iPod touch, and it's unbetaed so if you see any blatant errors, that is why. Typing on those things when you're tired is hard.)

Karkat Vantas loved Dave Strider more than he loved anyone else in the world. People had, and probably always would, tell them that their relationship was unstable and dangerous, that two depressed kids couldn't possibly have a functional partnership, but Karkat still loved Dave. It was hard, of course, and he had to deal with things that wouldn't normally come up in regular matespritships. Like coming home and finding his partner curled up on the floor, breaths shallow and jagged, warm tears still running slowly across the bridge of his nose. Or walking in on him in bed with his shirt off, picking apart the skin of his chest with a purpose. Or the worst thing of all, which Karkat had thankfully only experienced twice. He'd only attempted suicide once himself, but Dave stacked up to a disturbing total of four. The last two had been on Karkat's watch. Twice he had received a text that had the simplistic yet horrifying message of "I love you, Karkat. Goodbye." Twice he had run home, ignoring stoplights and strange looks to find his love on the floor of the bathroom, blood pooling around his wrists and running into the grooves in the tile floor. Twice Karkat had saved Dave's life. He always seemed horribly guilty afterwards, crying into Karkat's arms, scolding himself about how he could be so selfish.  
Both times he had promised never to try again.  
It hadn't stopped him last time, and Karkat didn't truly expect it to stop him this time.  
But it was okay, because Karkat understood.  
He had been diagnosed with paranoid/delusional type schizophrenia and clinical depression. Dave had diagnoses of depression, anxiety, and dermatillomania, which was characterized as obsessive picking or scratching at the skin. He'd also had bouts of anorexia and, along with Karkat, bulimia, and his self-harm had continued for several years with no signs of slowing down. But despite everything, despite their conflicting problems and the emotional burdens that were placed upon each other, they still loved each other. They worked hard to keep their little apartment, Dave as a bartender and part-time disc jockey at a multitude of clubs down in the SODO neighborhood. Karkat was a waiter and occasional cook. Not bad for a pair of barely twenty year-olds. Neither Dave nor Karkat had work on Saturdays, and that was usually their "date day", where they would go out and spend the day together. It was a pleasant life. Better than their lives beforehand. Dave had been a little orphan kid, picked up off the street by Dirk Strider, also commonly known as Bro. He'd been in college at that time but he'd loved baby Dave fiercely, still keeping him around even when they barely had enough money to eat. He'd finally gotten his degree in applied sciences, and after that things had gotten a little easier. Then school came, and the teasing began. Dave has a mutation in his eyes, an almost unique one, in fact. He didn't have albanism, but his eyes were a striking red color, and extremely light sensitive. Bro gave him a pair of his sunglasses to wear, and the kids just couldn't understand why Dave Strider wore those dumb anime shades around all over. He switched to a pair of aviators Bro got him in the third grade, but the bullying never stopped. Bro was extremely protective of Dave, even offering to send him to private school when the bullies turned physical. But he kept his head up and graduated high school with a 3.3 GPA.  
That was the same year as his second suicide attempt, the first being the year Karkat had come into town.  
Karkat transferred to Dave's high school in the tenth grade, and they'd spent the last two years there together. At first their relationship was rocky, with Karkat being extremely antagonistic and angry and Dave's ironic cool kid persona fully fledged. They'd seek each other out, even if it was just to fight and yell. Things had changed, however, when Karkat caught Dave one scorchingly hot summer day with his sleeves rolled up. There was a thin line on his wrist, now no more than a scar, and Karkat only saw it briefly. But he saw it. He'd cornered Dave up against his locker after school and confronted him about it. He'd been extremely defensive about it at first, but after a while he seemed to run out of pre-conceived comebacks. The ice had finally broken when Karkat turned over his own arm (he'd forfeited his usual turtleneck) to show a group of dark grey scars, clearly not caused by anything natural. Dave had almost cried, and Karkat could have sworn he saw a few tears trickle down his freckly cheeks. Karkat had self-harmed for about six months when he was in middle school, and it was extremely nerve-wracking for him, because of his mutant blood color. He usually passed it off as having human in his blood, but it wasn't true, and he could have been very easily culled. Finally, a few of his friends found out what he was doing (namely Terezi and Nepeta) and were able to help him stop. Dave had met his friends a few weeks after their incident, and he took a liking to them, especially Eridan, whom he classified as an "awesome asshole". Cronus, Eridan's older brother, took a fancy to Dave, and to this day nobody quite knows what happened between them. Cronus seemed to leave Dave alone after a while, which was a relief. He'd forged a brobond (which was their term for it) with Tavros, and they would often call each other and gossip. For a while, Karkat sensed Terezi wanted more of a flushed relationship with him, but it seemed to be a temporary crush as she focused more on her kismesstitude with Gamzee. The first time Karkat had kissed Dave was a few weeks after his first suicide attempt. Everyone was having a picnic, and a few of Dave's friends had come too, including his cousin Rose. Karkat had found Dave seated further away from the group, on top of the hill they had chosen for the gathering, which overlooked a lake. It was a sheer drop on the other side, and Karkat was slightly worried. They sat in silence for a while before Dave spoke.  
"I feel like this is the edge of the world, right here. Like if I walked off I would tumble into a vast expanse of mist and void and I'd never be seen again."  
Karkat said nothing.  
"And I could walk off. I could just stand up and go. And I'd be dead. Unless I was crazy lucky, which I'm not. It's strange. Knowing that you could just... Die. Just like that."  
"Please don't."  
That seemed to snap Dave out of his trance and he sat up a bit straighter.  
"I won't."  
"I mean it, Dave. Please don't try and do that again. I don't know what I'd do without you there. It's so scary."  
Karkat leaned over and wrapped his arms around Dave's thin chest, pressing his ear against his chest and hearing the steady heartbeat.  
"I'd miss you so much, Dave. Please stay."  
Dave seemed frozen, but after a moment he tightened his grip on Karkat's shoulders.  
"Okay."  
They sat there in their embrace for a good while, until Karkat could feel the dampness of the grass soaking through his jeans.  
"Please talk to me next time you need help, okay?"  
"I can't do that, Karkat. You've got better-"  
"No, I don't have better things than you." Karkat interrupted, suddenly angry.  
"You are the best thing I have right now. I consider you my best friend, Dave Strider. And if I'm not there for you when you fucking need me, than I am a shit person and I don't deserve you. I understand what it's like to want to die. To look at things and try and figure out how they could kill you. And you know what? It sucks! Especially when you don't have someone trustworthy and loving to be there to support you. I didn't have one. But I will be yours. I will be that person who will help you. I promise. But please. I need you to trust me. Please?"  
Dave had started silently crying about halfway through, tears curving around his still childishly round cheek.  
"Oh god, Karkat."  
"Please trust me, Dave."  
"I'm scared, Karkat."  
Through his own tears, Karkat reached up and removed Dave's shades. A few extra tears escaped.  
"I'm scared that you won't be any different."  
"I know. I would be too. But please, Dave. I want to do this. I want to be able to support and love you and I want to help you, god damn it!"  
On a whim, Karkat pressed his hands against Dave's cheeks and kissed him, mashing their noses together in a slightly painful manner. His lips tasted salty, like tears and sweat. When Karkat finally broke away, Dave looked vacant, tears still glistening in his eyes.  
"I love you so much, Dave."  
"I love you too, Karkat."  
They kissed again, less desperation and more reassurance, that they were both okay and neither of them were going anywhere. Dave's lips were soft and thick, and he tasted amazing. Karkat longed to thoroughly taste Dave, climb onto him and delve into the reaches of his mouth, committing everything to memory. But their two were enough for then, and they stood and walked back to the picnic, hands clasped tightly.  
A week later, Karkat finally got the nerve to ask Dave out for a proper date. Vriska had been teasing him non-stop about making out with Dave Strider, so Karkat thought he might as well make it official. They went to the aquarium, which was much more fun than it sounds. They kissed again afterwards, when Dave was dropping Karkat off at his house, as Dave was one of the few who had his license. It was sweet and soft, but it fulfilled Karkat's longing to have those thick lips pressed against his once again. Then they squeezed hands and Karkat retreated into his house, dodging his cousin Kankri and avoiding a lengthy lecture about sexual precautions. They continued dating in that way for a while, their goodnight kisses getting lengthier and more intimate until one night things were getting heavy and Dave's hand travelled around to Karkat's ass and gave it a soft squeeze. When Karkat stopped dead, Dave grinned.  
"I found the Karbooty."  
"Oh god, yes."  
He'd taken Karkat home that night and they'd spent a while rutting against each other. They'd finally gotten tired after a while and they'd passed out in Dave's bed, with Dave as the big spoon. Things had been on an almost fairy-tale like track. They now frequently visited each other and had heavy makeout sessions, occasionally ending with one or the other creaming their pants and having to clean up. Dirk knew exactly what they were up to, as Dave came home one day to find a small stack of condoms and lube on his bed with a little note that had only the words "go get some" and a =) smiley face on it. They'd finally gotten to that point one night at Karkat's house while Kankri was asleep. The kid went to sleep at 9 every night, it was insane. They'd finally both been brave enough to take off their pants and explore, and it ended with Dave's face and fingers buried in Karkat's nook while Karkat bit his wrist to keep from screaming. They were both much more comfortable with sex after that, Karkat more so than Dave. The poor man seemed to have this idea that his body was horrendous to everyone, and Karkat had to explain otherwise very thoroughly. He'd cried over the scars on Dave's thighs and chest a few times, but the tears always came with kisses and caresses. It seemed almost surreal, like a fantasy. And just like that, Dave's mental health took a steep dive. He began to become more reclusive and anxious, and seemed less interested in perusing his relationship. When Karkat finally got him alone, he was very reluctant to remove his pants, and Karkat soon found out it was because his self-harm had returned in full force. They cried together for a long time after that, and finally fell asleep on each other at around 3 AM, waking up with stiff necks but considerably happier than they were the night before. After that it seemed like Karkat was the only person Dave wanted to be around. He’d often come over on school days and they’d get in their comfiest pyjamas, watch a movie or two on the couch with copious amounts of popcorn (Dave would lay with his head on Karkat’s lap and Karkat would feed him) and afterwards they’d climb into bed together and wake up in the morning to go to school. Their friends were all very glad to see them so happy, but none of them really knew what happened when they were alone. Both Rose and Jade, one of Dave's good friends, knew about Dave's depression, and they would occasionally check up on him and send him things. Jade once crashed one of their movie nights, but she'd brought still-warm oatmeal raisin cookies, so she was accepted graciously. They'd continued in that way for the last half of their final school year, and when they finally graduated, Karkat couldn't have been happier. They'd teased each other about how good they looked in dresses, and Dave had promised to cross dress for him sometime.  
And two weeks after that Dave attempted for the second time.  
It was so sudden. He'd been getting a little more subdued, but Karkat hadn't suspected a thing. He'd been woken up at four AM by his cellphone ringing mercilessly. He'd picked it up and it had been Dirk, who informed him with a very wavery voice that Dave was in the hospital, and that he could come and pick up Karkat if he wanted to come and visit. When Karkat had his (admittedly pathetic) attempt, he’d had people there to visit him and it was the least he could do for Dave. Karkat had dressed in record speed and Dirk had swooped by in his creaky old station wagon (much to Kankri's disdain) and ported him off to Dave. Karkat had never felt so cold. He shivered nonstop on the way to the hospital, and shivered even more as he sat on Dave's bed, caressing his painfully bony hand. It hadn't seemed so thin the last time Karkat had touched it, but while he was lying in the hospital bed, hair flattened to his skull, he looked absolutely tiny. This time, instead of just cutting up his wrists, like he did the first time, he cut his wrists and took his whole prescription bottle of antidepressants, which was some 35 pills. He could have easily died if Dirk hadn't found him in time.  
And that was terrifying.  
When Dave finally awoke fourteen hours later, Karkat was still awake and still sitting at his bedside. They gripped each other around the shoulders and sobbed for a very long time. This called Dirk and the slew of their friends in, and they all cried and hugged Dave and gave him chocolate. Karkat held his hand through the whole thing, and once things had finally calmed down and the crowd had dispersed, they snuggled up in the tiny hospital bed together and breathed for a while. Karkat kept his head on Dave's chest, hearing the /thump thump thump/ of his heart. After all this, it was still beating. It was a strong heart. Karkat pointed that fact out and Dave responded by pressing his cheek into Karkat's hair. He got out of the hospital the next day, after the doctors were sure he was stabilized. All he really wanted to do was sleep, but Karkat was fine with that. They both slept for a good sixteen hours when they got Dave home, both waking up at around 7am and reveling in the silence of the morning. Karkat gave Dave a few days off to recover and then he made a hard push to resume normal life, dragging Dave out on shopping trips and making him try on clothes. Dave broke down more than once, crying and tearing at his hair. Karkat sat beside him, holding his wrists as he sobbed.  
But he still stuck around, and gradually Dave began to come out of his low. When Karkat had been battling his more severe depression in middle school, his mood swings had been much more frequent, with a bad day and then good days and more bad days all in the space of one week. Dave's seemed to be more gradual, with a slow rise up to the top, where it would hover for a good week, and then it would slowly dip back down into hell. He degraded so slowly, though, that you didn't know he was in pain until you walked in on him frantically trying to clean up the blood running down his thighs. It was indescribably hard, but Karkat had made a promise. Three months after Dave's second attempt, they found a smallish apartment about a twenty-minute drive from Bro's and moved in together. While they were deep-cleaning Dave's room, Karkat found two blades, which he and Dave threw out later. Karkat was sure there were more, but it was a start. To Karkat's surprise, when they moved in together, he seemed to be much lighter, like a weight had been removed from his heart. He ran to the store, took walks, and interacted with the general public almost like a functional human. When Karkat inquired on this phenomenon, Dave replied very astutely.  
"I'm responsible for myself now, I guess. If I need dinner, I have to go out and get it myself. Nobody's going to be there to coddle me and do things for me. Except you, Kar, but we have more... Even roles, I guess. I'm not depending on anyone and nobody is depending on me. I'm responsible for taking care of myself and I guess it makes me feel like I have a purpose."  
Karkat had nodded, impressed. Then he had demanded that "mister self-sufficient" go out and get him a coffee, which earned him a slap on the arm. They'd had amazing sex that night. And the night after that, as well. In fact, all their nights were fantastic for a good year. Dave was happier and more sound overall, and Karkat didn't have to worry about him as much. Apparently a year is the longest things can stay good, however, because in a three-month span, he attempted twice. It was absurd to think someone could hate themselves enough to try and kill themselves, get saved and told that they are loved and they matter, and completely not believe anything and try again three months later, when it seemed like the danger had passed.  
It was about a week after the fourth that Karkat got angry.  
He'd marched Dave into the living room and sat him down on the couch. Then he'd begun his lecture.  
"Dave, I need to tell you something. I've been thinking about this for a while, and it's hard for me, but I need to do it."  
"Please don't, Karkat."  
"I'm not leaving you, now shut up. If you have a fifth attempt I want you to check into inpatient at the hospital."  
"What! Why?"  
"Because I'm afraid that I can't take care of you the way you need taking care of, Dave. And I need you to get some more help than what you're getting. It's not enough if you try and kill yourself five times. Oh god, five."  
"Karkat, I won't try again."  
"I don't believe you, Dave."  
"I won't!"  
"You said that last time and you tried again! You said it the time before that and you tried again TWICE! Can you blame me for not believing you?"  
"You HAVE to believe me, Karkat!"  
"NO, I DON'T. What needs to happen now is to make sure you're safe, and you are not right now. And for fuck's sake, IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF COME TELL ME. I CAN FUCKING HELP YOU. I CAN, DAVE. I WON'T HATE YOU. All I want is for you to be happy, Dave. Please. Just.... Please. Anything but trying again."  
Dave had broken down about one-third of the way into the final speech, and he just sat on the couch, limp, crying almost soundlessly. Karkat sat on his lap and cradled his head, resting their foreheads against each other's and letting their tears mix together.  
Their sleep was deep and dreamless that night, and when they woke up, Karkat felt safe.  
He still felt safe, even three months later. He'd made himself a blanket nest on his and Dave's shared bed (for whatever reason, trolls like gatherings of stuff and nests are no exception) and he was tapping away at his keyboard, so frantically that the knock at the door almost got lost in them. But he heard, and looked up to see Dave slip in. The blond looked tired.  
"Hey there, Kitkat."  
"Hi, idiot."  
"Karkat, I need to talk to you."  
Dave looked nervous as well, fidgeting with his long sleeves. Karkat immediately stood at attention.  
"Are you okay, love?"  
"I... I don't know. I've been thinking so much about everything lately and... It's really hard. So can you distract me? Please?"  
"Of course." Karkat set his laptop aside and leaned in to kiss Dave's cheek.  
"By distraction do you mean popcorn, cuddles and a few movies or hardcore sex?"  
Dave cracked a grin.  
"Preferably both."  
"Do you want me to ride you while we watch Disney movies?"  
"Um... Maybe we can do the riding afterwards. I kinda want to relax.”  
Karkat kissed Dave again, and then ran a hand through the fine, blond hair.  
“Okay. What do you want to watch? Something funny? Something stupid? Something terrifying?”  
“Hmm, I dunno. We haven’t watched Princess Bride in forever.”  
“Oh, GOD. I’d forgotten about that movie. Come on, I’ll go put it in right now.”  
Karkat slipped his hand into Dave’s and they ran out into the TV room, and Karkat knelt in front of their cabinet to dig out the disc while Dave made himself comfortable with a few blankets and pillows on the couch. They watched the whole of both that movie and Napoleon Dynamite (the theme for that night was apparently “fantastic movies that we’ve forgotten about and are ashamed about forgetting”) and had started on The Emperor’s New Groove when Dave started snoring. Karkat let him sleep for a while, enjoying the feeling of Dave’s head on his lap. He made it to the part where Kuzco and Pacha had climbed up the cliff using their awesome best friend teamwork before he started to really get tired and had to wake Dave up, lest he fall asleep as well and their plans evaporate. Karkat was able to drag the groggy blond back into their bedroom and undress him as he woke up properly.  
“Don’t cop out now, man.”  
“’mnot copping out. I’m just tired.”  
“Then get your goddamn head straight because I’m gonna start without you.” Karkat pushed him into the bed by the shoulders, kissing him deeply before sitting up and pulling his own shirt off. Dave reached up and ran a hand over his stomach, making Karkat shiver. Those touches were his favorite. He slowly ground his hips over Dave’s, and the red eyes fluttered. He kept moving as he bent down and slipped Dave’s shirt over his head, licking his collarbone when he squirmed. He then sat back up, Dave’s shirt in hand, and balled it up as he rubbed his hips back and forth. Dave groaned and bucked up.  
“God damn it, don’t just give me a lap dance. Take your fucking pants off.”  
Karkat complied, and yanked Dave’s off as well. Now only Dave was left in his underpants, as Karkat had made the wonderful choice to go commando that day. He moaned softly as his bulge uncurled itself from its resting place inside his nook. The moan went up in both pitch and volume when Dave pulled his shorts down and ran the head of his dick along Karkat’s now very slick nook.  
“Oh, Karkat. You’re beautiful.”  
“Shut up and let me get you naked.”  
Karkat violently ripped the shorts off of Dave’s body and then slowly, slowly sank down into Dave’s cock. Dave let out a broken gasp as he reached up to grab the troll’s knees, holding him steady as he bounced.  
The love was wonderful. After they had finished and cleaned up (trolls don’t come conservatively, let’s just say) they cuddled down into bed, noses touching. They didn’t need words. All they needed was their hands and their smiles. Dave’s had changed. Karkat saw it in his eyes as well. The smiles Dave had given had scared him for a while, all tooth and no eye. But now, after a fantastic bout of sex and a lot of love, Karkat could see Dave’s smile travel all the way up into his eyes.  
Then they closed, his breathing slowed into a steady huff, and Karkat knew he was going to be okay.


End file.
